Easter Message from Kim Young-‘Un
The Easter message from North Korea’s dear leader, Kim Young-‘Un has taken seasoned observers, journalists and the American State Department by surprise. In it he revealed that he had been misquoted by foreign news agencies and concluded the short (six hour) speech by sending fraternal greetings to his counterpart in South Korea, President Park Geun-Hye.
Highlights of the speech
Kim Young-‘Un told the adoring crowd of soldiers, sailors and slave labourers in Pyongyang’s Kim Il-Sung Square that he had been completely misunderstood. He informed the rapt audience that American Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, South Korean President Park Geun-Hye and indeed his own wife, whose name escaped him for the moment, had not listened to a word he said. Kim Young-‘Un explained that he had offered to deliver the country’s fissile material into American hands for safe keeping and had suggested that North Korea should hand-over all missiles, thermo-nuclear devices and any chemical/biological weapons to the Americans at an undisclosed location in Alaska. He added that what he had actually said was that he wanted to pre-empt any strike by North Korean nuclear safety inspectors who are currently in dispute with their employer over terms and conditions. Note on industrial relations in North Korea: currently the warning to disperse is given after opening fire. Kim Young-‘Un claimed that his generous offer had been misunderstood and he wanted to take this opportunity to publicly set the record straight.
Young-‘Un insisted that North Korea was a peace-loving country which dedicated itself to agricultural reform and developing trade and cultural ties with other nations. Kim Young-‘Un extended an invitation to South Korean citizens to come and seek long-separated family members anytime they felt like it. He said that in the spirit of reconciliation he included American servicemen and women stationed in South Korea in this invitation and suggested that he could organise what he termed ‘nostalgic tours’ but cautioned that due to a the recent sixty- year string of bad harvests all visitors should bring their own pack lunches.
Referring to his previous comments concerning Guam and Hawaii, Kim Young-‘Un disclosed that he had applied for an American Green Card under the Recently Ousted Dictator Program (RODP) and expressed a desire to settle in Hawaii. It’s a nice place and conveniently close to Disneyland Resort in California he told the cheering crowd. Due to the lack of range of the presidential Antonov A2 he would need to make a refueling stop in Guam en-route to Hawaii and apologised for any confusion that he might have inadvertently caused by his statements concerning this.
Turning to his recent comments on President Park Geun-Hye of South Korea, to whom he repeated his fraternal greetings, Kim Young-‘Un claimed he had never said that ‘she should watch her tongue.’ No, what he had actually said was that he admired her speeches and found them both inspiring and uplifting. Indeed he had only this morning ordered a leather-bound volume of her speeches which would occupy pride-of place in the library of his recently-purchased new one hundred and ninety room home on the outskirts of Honolulu. The reported comment on ‘the venomous swish of her skirt’ actually should have read ‘the viscous swish of her silken skirt’. His wife would like the address of President Park Geun-Hye’s couturier if she had the time to send a quick email before he and his good wife, whose name still escaped him, left for Guam.
Following his speech Kim Young-‘Un held a lunch for specially selected members of the crowd. After some initial confusion as to what they had been specially selected for and once the army had restored order, the delighted and adoring survivors sat down to a traditional meal of Pyongyang Noenmyeon. For many this was their first meal of the week and some of the one hundred and fifty strong luncheon guests were visibly close to tears. Cultural note: Pyongyang Noenmyeon is a cold soup made from Taedong River water, a buckwheat noodle and slightly sodden Kimchee when available.
Victoria Secret, spokesperson for American President Barack Obama’s office told reporters at a hastily-convened White House briefing ‘yeah right’. She then appeared to be overcome with emotion and was unable to elaborate further.
US Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel’s office issued a statement saying they were studying the speech ‘with some amusement’. This was later clarified. The Secretary of Defense was now said to be studying the speech with ‘some interest.’ Or at least he would be once he got around to reading it sometime. Maybe.
Chinese Premier Li Keqiang initially said ‘who?’ but then wished soon-to-be former dear leader Kim Young-‘Un well in his retirement and said he was missing him already.
British Prime Minister David Cameron said he agreed with whatever the Americans had said.
French President Francois Hollande suggested crushed garlic in the Pyongyang Noenmyeon.
USAF spokesperson General Curtis ‘Barking Mad’ Kowolski, Commanding Officer of the 317th Aerial Bombardment Group issued a short statement from his headquarters on the Japanese island of Okinawa. He and the boys appreciated soon-to-be former leader Kim Young-‘Un’s kind invitation and were looking forward to visiting North Korea ‘real soon.’
dateline: Brisbane, April 1, 2013