Ground Control to Major Tim

Hip hip hooey, the first Brit in space has just made it to the ISS–er, not exactly. The Woman from Mars: Helen Sharman, remember her? Don’t worry if you don’t, the Press will (grudgingly) remind you. She was actually the…

Ssshh-don’t mention the war!

Oh what a lovely war: Things are shaping up nicely here at Westminster, ladies and gentlemen. Dave (UK PM Cameron) announced that there was a plan~then went quiet when he realised it consisted of bombing Syria because everybody else was. So-called hard…

Great speech, Dave–just run the plan by me again.

cue stirring martial music and the sound of gas turbine engines spooling up: It seems likely that very shortly, brave British Lads and Lasses of the RAF will once again be taking to the skies to bomb the bejesus out of–who,…

Crumbling Chinese fortune (cookies)

Hello, good morning and welcome to President Xi Jinping, head of the world’s largest single-party state and non-acknowledged head of Chinese industry, banking and espionage. Depending on who you believe, Xi has either come to conduct business at the highest…

And now for the football results

Moscow Dynamo–Three——Washington Wonderers—–Nil To be honest, it wasn’t even a close match. In the opening minutes, Moscow Dynamo’s energetic centre forward, President (Vlad the Invader) Putin adroitly blindsided the entire Washington team and annexed the Crimea. Washington team captain President…