Polly Picked The Pistol Up

Chapter Nineteen

Wild Bill and the Variegated Van-Man

“T’was on the beach at midnight…”

“Right, right got that Bill. Have a name did it this beach?”

Wild Bill, without moving his head, looked up at the ceiling then carefully from side to side. He leant even closer towards Karno, so close their faces were almost touching. Karno made a mental note to remind Silver to provide detainees with toothpaste.

“This place…” He swivelled his eyes round to indicate the cell. “Is it…bugged?”

“What, this place?” Karno mimicked Bills eye movements. “Bugged?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“You can’t be too careful Freddy boy.”

“Very true Bill.”

Wild Bill took a healthy swig of King Victoria.

“This is very good.”

“I’m glad you like it.”

“Are you certain that…” again with the eyes, “…nobody is listening to us?”

Karno cocked his head in Gundry’s direction.

“He is, but I don’t think anybody else is.”

“Ah. This is good stuff. Is it… readily available?”

“All you need is money or a fast pair of legs Bill.”

“I’ve never heard of it before.”

“It’s won awards so I’m surprised.”

“Awards you say? Ah, in Scotland?”

“Japan mainly I believe. I don’t recall it ever winning an award in Scotland. It did win first prize in the best whiskey taste-a-like category in the Seoul Bogus Booze competition two years ago.”

“Ah. Can we trust him?”

“Him? Him over there, DC Gundry?”

“Yes.”

“He’s a copper, same as me. We can trust him.”

“You stole my conker you rapscallion. I trusted you and you stole it.”

“True but it was a long time ago Bill. We were at primary school I seem to recall.”

“I trusted you Fred.”

“I’m very sorry about it Bill.”

“It was my best conker ever. I could have been a contender with that conker.”

“Contender? No, never mind. I’ve repented Bill, I saw the errors of my ways and realising the misery that the theft of your conker caused you I never stole another conker again. In fact, I date my decision to join the police force and dedicate my life to fighting crime and injustice to that one incident in my life.”

“I thought you joined the police because you thought the birds would fancy you in uniform and you couldn’t get a real job?”

“That might have had something to do with it as well. The beach.”

“Yes?”

“You were going to tell me its name.”

“Was I?”

“You were.”

“Ah. Esmeralda.”

“Esmeralda?”

“That’s what it prefers to be called, yes.”

“Right, right.  Tell you what, have another drink Bill and tell me what everybody in this dimension calls it.”

Bill followed Karno’s suggestion.

“You know, this really is good. It compares very favourably with Chateau Metholate, although it does lack a certain raw bite.”

“I’m not in a position to comment. The name of the beach?”

“Esmeralda.”

“Esmeralda’s other name. The one she doesn’t like as much as Esmeralda.”

“Ah. Mother Ivy, but don’t…” Bill looked carefully around the room, “…tell anybody.”

Karno felt it was time to move the conversation forward.

“So, you were on Mother Ivy’s beach at midnight and…”

“I hardly dare tell you but I will say the forces of evil were stalking the land.”

“I think you’ll have to pluck up courage and dare tell me a bit more than that Bill. Take it in easy stages. Hmmn let’s see. How many forces of evil were there?”

“Stalking the land?”

“I’m interested specifically in those that were stalking on Mother Ivy’s beach on the particular midnight in question.”

“Which particular midnight would that be then Fred?”

“The one you were just about to tell me about Bill.”

“Ah. There were six. Six of them there were, all stalking evilly”

“Were there? Did these forces of evil have names at all? I’m thinking here of names that other people might know them by, not what they might  prefer to call each other amongst themselves.”

“The Evil Ones.”

“Maybe I didn’t make myself quite clear. Tell you what, let’s come back to their names a bit later Bill. These, er, evil ones, what were they doing?”

“Doing?”

“Right, right. See the evil ones were on Mother Ivy’s beach at midnight doing something. I was wondering what it was they were doing?”

Bill’s face cleared.

“Ah, got you Freddy boy. They were doing evil.”

“Of course. Doing evil, I see. Could you narrow that down a bit for me Bill? I understand there were six of them and they were on the beach. I’ve got that clear in my mind and I think DC Gundry has worked that out as well. I may be wrong but I get the clear impression they were doing something evil, I was just wondering what they were doing, accepting the fact that whatever it was, it was evil.”

“Demonic forces were at work that night Fred. Shape changers, colour changers. Emerging from the sea like Poseidon’s testicles, hell-bent on mischief and mayhem.”

“I see. If we’re talking about surfers having some midnight fun and games Bill, I’m taking that bloody bottle back.”

“My bottle, you’ll take my bottle? Just like you took my conker…”

“It was an idle threat, I was getting bored. Six people on the beach that prefers to be called Esmeralda but everybody on this planet calls Mother Ivy, at midnight, behaving evilly. Male, female or some sort of elf-like mixture were they?”

“Male… but several had long hair.”

“Moving swiftly on, there were six males on the beach. Did they all come out of the sea?”

“There were four of them.” Bill looked around the cell, held a finger to his lips and crept over to the cell door, listened, then crept back. “They were in a boat.”

“Big boat, little boat, yellow submarine?”

“It wasn’t yellow. I don’t think it was a submarine. No, no it was a big boat and a little boat. Are you sure we can trust him? Our lives and those of others may depend on it.”

“About now your life is depending on me finding out exactly what, if anything, was actually going on on Mother Ivys beach. It was a big boat and a little boat. Changed size as well as shape did it, or were there two boats?”

“I told you Freddy, there were two boats, a big one and a little one.”

“Right. Sorry Bill, I must have been distracted by something, or perhaps I’m slightly intoxicated by the fumes of King Victoria. There were four men, some of whom had long hair but were definitely men nevertheless, in two boats. Did they come to the beach in the small boat by any chance?”

“Ah! You know. Were you there as well Freddy, I never saw you?”

“Call it a lucky guess. I’m pushing my luck but I feel I’m on a bit of a roll, so is it possible that these four men came ashore in a small boat gave something to the other two men, who were waiting on the beach?”

“Astounding! Are you sure you weren’t there?”

“I’m a detective Bill. I detect crimes and I think I know what was going on here. I might be wrong, I have been in the past and doubtless will be again in the future, but I do think I know what was going on. I think demons stalking the land is perhaps a bit over the top descriptively speaking but…”

“It wasn’t them Fred, it was the van!”

“It wasn’t them Fred it was the van, what? What about the van Bill?”

An idea stirred in Karno’s brain. Small electric charges carrying the idea forced their way through the second-hand but still anaesthetising curtain of the fumes of passively ingested King Victoria and clamoured for Karno’s attention.

“Wait, Bill. Are you telling me the van on the beach, Mother Ivy’s beach, changed shape and colour? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Isn’t that what I’ve just been telling you? The beach prefers to be called Esmeralda, don’t forget.”

“It was midnight Bill. How could you see if the van changed colour?”

“It was a full moon.”

“Full moon eh? Right, right well I suppose that might be an alternative explanation for a lot of things.”

“It’s really very good indeed. Japanese you say? Small bottle though.”

“Er, yes Japanese. Bill, just so DC Gundry has got this, he’s not as on the ball as you and I but he’s a nice lad for all that. Four men landed things from a big boat which was off Mother Ivys beach. They came ashore in a small boat and gave these things to two men who were in a van. Did you happen to see what sort of things the things were?”

“Parcels.”

“Parcels. Yes of course. Now these parcels that were passed, were there lots of small parcels or a few big ones?”

“Big ones, like bales of hay now I come to think of it. I don’t think they saw me Fred.”

“I’m sure they didn’t Bill, I’m sure they didn’t. So this van, changed colour you say? What colours did you see?”

“By the light of the full moon it glistened Freddy boy, it glistened. Like shining marble it was, like the Taj Mahal illuminated by spotlights on a cloudless night. White and cold in the moonlight, a silent sentinel silently sentinelling…”

“Yup, got that Bill, it looked white in the moonlight.”

Bill’s voice dropped to a harsh whisper.

“But in the dark, when drifting clouds hid the silvery face of the moon allowing evil darkness to stalk the land unseen by human eyes, it was black Fred, black. A deep, dark, still black. The sort of black that steals a man’s soul, as you gaze into its unfathomable blackness and feel yourself tumbling and falling into the very depths of hell. Er, I don’t suppose there’s another bottle of this stuff by any chance, this one seems to evaporated?”

“I don’t have one on me Bill but I do know where I might lay my hands on another one.”

“Ah. This would be a special skill that you have honed. A skill you have acquired as a detective no doubt?”

“Indeed Bill. After years of constant practice, single-minded nay obsessive effort and patient observation, I gradually became aware that such bottles could be obtained in those mystical places that men call off-licences.”

“Not Avalon, then?”

“They are available in the Avalon chain off off-licences as it happens, but Chin-chin has them on special at the moment.”

“I believe there is a branch close by this place.”

“I believe you’re right. I also believe we need to try and finish this conversation before we proceed on any quests to mystical off-licences.”

“Ah. A quest, an adventure, no less. I’m your man, Freddy boy.”

“I thought you might be, Bill.”

“Will there be any swords to pull out of stones?”

“I’ve never really noticed to be honest Bill. Certainly there are bottles to be pulled off shelves.”

“Not really the same though, is it?”

“I have to be honest and say no. Returning to the van for a moment, one moment it was white then it was black. You said it also changed shape?”

“I did, yes.”

“Right right. So one minute it was van-shaped and then it changed shape into a …?”

“It changed into a van Fred. It gave me quite a turn I can tell you.”

“OK. So it was a van and then it changed into a van. Have I got that right? I can’t quite see how you’d have found that alarming, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.”

“A different van.”

“Different how Bill?”

“It seemed smaller Freddy boy. When it was glistening in the light of the full moon it was like the Taj Mahal but in the dark, it seemed smaller. More menacing. Is Avalon far from here?”

“Not far Bill. I have a suggestion to put to you. Would you be prepared to spend a little time with one of our resident artists back at Paignmouth nick? It’ll be a new experience for them, doing a photo-fit drawing of vans, but I’m sure they’ll find it a fascinating experience. It might even help if you sort of breathed on them while you were giving a description.”

“It’s a long walk to Paignmouth, Fred.”

“I was actually thinking of driving there.”

“Ah, yes. Driving in a car?””

“The stagecoach is in for a service at the moment, and Sinbad’s taken the carpet for a test flight so yes, it’ll have to be in a car.”

“Will it take long?”

“Not really Bill, in a hurry to be somewhere are you?”

“No, no. I was wondering whether we might get, you know, thirsty, if it was a long trip.”

“Right, right. I’m with you Bill. We do happen to go past a couple of off-licences on the way so I’m sure it won’t be a problem. One last thing, before I go and make arrangements for the trip, did you happen to overhear the evil ones calling each other by their names?”

“Yes.”

Bill sat back triumphantly on the bunk.

“I realise this is asking a lot Bill, but do you think you might see your way clear to telling me what the names were?”

Bill leapt to his feet, holding a finger to his lips. He peered under the bunk, walked rapidly to the cell door and threw it open then slammed it shut. He looked carefully all round the cell then whispered in Karno’s right ear.

“I heard some of their names, yes.”

“Right, right. And those names were…?”

“Oi, Shit for Brains, and Idle Bastard.”

“That was it was it, that’s all you heard?”

“I know the name of the van!”

“And it was…?”

“Martin.”

Bill nodded several times.

“Right, right. Bill, I want you to think carefully about this now, how do you know the van was called Martin?”

“Because when the evil one known as Idle Bastard spoke to it, he called it Martin.”

“Now think carefully Bill, this Idle Bastard. He wouldn’t by any chance have been speaking to somebody inside the van who was called Martin, would he?”

“Ah. I hadn’t though of that Freddy boy! Er, do you think we should start on our quest now, in case they change the special offer. What is the special offer by the way?  Is it really special?”

“Buy one, get two free, and a tube of hangover-go tablets for half price.”