And now for the football results

Moscow Dynamo–Three——Washington Wonderers—–Nil

To be honest, it wasn’t even a close match. In the opening minutes, Moscow Dynamo’s energetic centre forward, President (Vlad the Invader) Putin adroitly blindsided the entire Washington team and annexed the Crimea. Washington team captain President Banjaxed Obama appealed to the referee, but to no avail, the goal was allowed. Play was resumed, but Washington lost possession of the ball shortly after kick-off, and could only call for an urgent meeting of NATO members as Vlad masterfully put the ball in the back of the net, and partitioned Ukraine. This took us to half-time. In the second half, it was obvious that Washington had decided to try to wear down  Moscow Dynamo by a series of sanctions. With this tactic apparently working, they yet again took their eye off the ball. This was the moment that Vlad the Invader had been waiting for, and he scored his hat-trick, launching a series of air strikes in support of teammate Bashar Assad. With Washington appearing well and truly beaten, right back (President) Ashraf Ghani, on loan from Kabul Disunited, launched a determined assault on Kunduz, but the goal was disallowed.

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Yet again Washington is seemingly puzzled by Moscows actions. Now, I was never in the military– I had a strong aversion to short haircuts and being shot at– but I know what they’re up to. The opposition to Assad comprises two groups, and when they’re not fighting Syrian Government forces– aka Hezbollah and the Iranians– they’re fighting each other. The Free Syrian Army is something of a joke, despite–or perhaps because of–being trained and supplied by the CIA.  IS would probably collapse if they were opposed by a regular army which was actually prepared to fight– the Russian army, perhaps? Moscow does not have the option of making a temporary alliance with either for a variety of reasons, so Putin has taken the obvious course of action, and has bombed the weaker side first. This appears to have surprised Banjaxed and the rest of the Washington Team, who thought he might actually be on their side and was going to attack IS. Well, he will, eventually, but by then the FSA will not exist and Assad will remain firmly in power. At the moment, it’s looking like game, set and match to Vlad the Invader. Banjaxed might just pull some sort of rabbit out of the hat, but personally I wouldn’t put any money on it.

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